So another Valentine’s Day is here and I am still single, actually I’m in the throes of the failure of my first crush I’ve had since my ex and I broke up almost two years ago. Not surprisingly, today has been an interesting day for me. My mood has vacillated from happily determined to remembering what this day means in my life to love and to moroseness that I cannot quite seem to get this whole “man thing” right. Sometimes I truly wonder if what my “friend” told me many years ago is actually true. Are some of us destined to go through life alone? No long lasting true partner, no children, forever the loner? Yes, he said it to be cruel, but that doesn’t negate the thought. Honestly, at this point in my life I have to wonder… As it is, I’m already coming to the stark realization that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll never have children. Should I also be laying to rest my womanly dreams of the love of a good man, someone to be my partner in this life? Sometimes I wish I had an answer to that question.
We woke up that Saturday morning bright and early, refreshed and ready to face the world… Or not so much, we were exhausted still and I was not feeling all that awesome from my overdose on driving the previous day. Nevertheless we needed to continue on our travels as we’d begun to feel the pull of home. Strange sometimes how the closer you get to home the stronger the urge to be there gets. Mariah had begun to feel the driving need to be home almost as soon as we’d turned around, while I was only feeling the slightest twinkling now as I lifted Motor into the car to begin another day driving. Our plan for the day was to stop at the Kentucky Horse Park to check out the awesomeness that is everything horse, continuing on to have dinner with our great aunt Pat in Indiana, and then driving until we couldn’t drive anymore and sleeping in a rest stop somewhere before finishing our last leg Sunday morning. As we’ve all learned by now, I basically fail at planning and it also appears to be a family trait, unless Mariah was just afraid to go against her crazed cousin’s timetable. I don’t know that I would blame her in the slightest if she was a tad bit worried after the numerous detours from Friday.
“Happy break up anniversary!”
The first words of my text to my ex this morning.
Now. Before you get all up in arms, saying how you didn’t think I was that vindictive or petty of a person, the rest of the text and conversation was lighthearted and fun. He understands my odd sense of humor and I’ve forgiven him completely, so there are no hurtful words or hidden meanings behind our interactions. He is first and foremost, a friend, as I hope and think I am to him.
It will come as no surprise to most of you that the catalyst for this journey of mine was love. About six months ago I was told by the man I loved that he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend and needed to go, to travel, to live life, and experience the world. He was afraid we were settling for each other and having doubts about our future which were eating him up. So he needed to go alone on this great adventure to find his life and it wasn’t fair to him or me to continue our relationship. Now some would say, “oh no big deal, it was just a boyfriend, get back on that horse!” In fact I heard that fairly regularly in the beginning, often from men who appeared to want me to get on their horse, if you take my meaning. For me it was completely devastating, I’d known it was coming, but I didn’t want to believe it would actually happen. Continue reading